The Wooster Papers

Books

Aunts Aren't Gentlemen

1974. 20 chapters, 43 scenes.

Chapter 1

  1. Bertie finds pink spots on his chest, gets the name of the specialist E. Jimpson Murgatroyd from Tipton Plimsoll, and over Jeeves's warning about a protest march decides to drive to the appointment in his own car.Chapter 1
  2. Driving to see Murgatroyd, Bertie gets stuck behind the protest march and sits watching it.Chapters 1–2

Chapter 2

  1. Driving to see Murgatroyd, Bertie gets stuck behind the protest march and sits watching it.Continued from chapter 1

Chapter 3

  1. At the doctor's Bertie meets Major Plank, who fails to place him and alarms him about his spots, and then Murgatroyd pronounces the spots harmless but orders him to the country for a quiet life, which Bertie plans to spend with Aunt Dahlia.Chapter 3, Murgatroyd's consulting room
  2. Bertie phones Aunt Dahlia to cadge an invitation, but she is off to the Briscoes at Maiden Eggesford and promises to find him a cottage there, near the Bridmouth races.Chapter 3
  3. Bertie tells Jeeves the New York trip is off in favour of Maiden Eggesford, where Jeeves has an aunt, and recalls with him the old Plank episode.Chapter 3, Bertie's flat
  4. Aunt Dahlia rings to say she has got the cottage, beginning what Bertie calls the Maiden Eggesford Horror.Chapter 3

Chapter 4

  1. Bertie drives down to Maiden Eggesford, cured of his spots, and is shaken to glimpse what looks like the ghost of Major Plank leaving the Goose and Grasshopper.Chapter 4, Maiden Eggesford
  2. At the cottage Jeeves tells Bertie that Plank really is in the village as Mr Cook's guest at Eggesford Court, and the shaken Bertie swaps his ginger ale for a dry Martini.Chapter 4, Wee Nooke
  3. Aunt Dahlia telephones to say the Briscoes want Bertie to lunch and forbids the Drones Club tie, and Jeeves gives directions to Eggesford Hall and reports that his own aunt has gone to Liverpool.Chapter 4, Wee Nooke
  4. Taking the wrong turning, Bertie strays into Eggesford Court, befriends a cat and is accused by its owner Cook of stealing it for Briscoe, until Plank turns up, explains Cook's troubles with Vanessa and advises Bertie to clear out before Cook calls the police.Chapter 4, Eggesford Court

Chapter 5

  1. Back at the cottage Jeeves explains that Cook and Colonel Briscoe are bitter rivals and that Cook's racehorse Potato Chip pines without the stray cat Bertie was caught holding.Chapter 5, Wee Nooke
  2. Preoccupied with fear of Cook, Bertie eats and drinks heartily at the Briscoes' lunch but hardly says a word.Chapter 5, Eggesford Hall
  3. Aunt Dahlia ticks Bertie off for his dullness at lunch, then hears the cat story and says an ominous 'H'm' at the news that losing the cat would ruin Potato Chip's training.Chapter 5, the grounds of Eggesford Hall

Chapter 6

  1. Driving home drowsy from lunch, Bertie naps in a wood and is woken by Orlo Porter, who accuses him of following Vanessa Cook to Maiden Eggesford and threatens to tear his insides out with his bare hands if he goes near her again.Chapters 6–7, the woods

Chapter 7

  1. Driving home drowsy from lunch, Bertie naps in a wood and is woken by Orlo Porter, who accuses him of following Vanessa Cook to Maiden Eggesford and threatens to tear his insides out with his bare hands if he goes near her again.Continued from chapter 6
  2. Bertie tells Jeeves of Orlo's threat and they agree he must avoid Vanessa Cook, but Jeeves then takes a call saying she is coming round at once.Chapter 7, Wee Nooke
  3. Vanessa accuses Bertie of following her, plans to use him as a postbox for Orlo's letters, and on learning Orlo is in the village sends Bertie to the Goose and Grasshopper to fix a meeting at his cottage.Chapter 7, Wee Nooke

Chapter 8

  1. Bertie delivers Vanessa's message to a jealous, suspicious Orlo in the inn's private bar, and Orlo cheers up only on hearing Bertie will go for a walk during the meeting.Chapter 8, the Goose and Grasshopper
  2. Bertie reports back to Vanessa that Orlo will come at three tomorrow, tactfully describing how he looked.Chapter 8, Wee Nooke
  3. Jeeves returns and Bertie tells him his advice is no longer needed since the meeting has been fixed for the cottage.Chapter 8, Wee Nooke

Chapter 9

  1. Vanessa arrives early for her meeting with Orlo and brusquely sends Bertie out for his walk.Chapter 9, Wee Nooke
  2. Walking round the village, Bertie looks into the shop's lending library, where Angelica Briscoe conspiratorially asks him 'Has he brought it yet?' before her father arrives to buy sweets.Chapter 9, the village shop
  3. Jeeves reports that Vanessa and Orlo quarrelled when he refused to bully her father or steal the cat, and she broke with him; then Vanessa storms in and tells Bertie she will be his wife.Chapters 9–12, Wee Nooke

Chapter 10

  1. Jeeves reports that Vanessa and Orlo quarrelled when he refused to bully her father or steal the cat, and she broke with him; then Vanessa storms in and tells Bertie she will be his wife.Continued from chapter 9

Chapter 11

  1. Jeeves reports that Vanessa and Orlo quarrelled when he refused to bully her father or steal the cat, and she broke with him; then Vanessa storms in and tells Bertie she will be his wife.Continued from chapter 10

Chapter 12

  1. Jeeves reports that Vanessa and Orlo quarrelled when he refused to bully her father or steal the cat, and she broke with him; then Vanessa storms in and tells Bertie she will be his wife.Continued from chapter 11
  2. Bertie warns Jeeves that Cook will surely come searching, Jeeves still won't return the cat himself, and proposes hiring the poacher Graham instead.Chapter 12, Wee Nooke
  3. Bertie asks Graham to take the cat back; Graham refuses, citing Angelica and his bet on Potato Chip, until Bertie haggles him up to thirty-five pounds.Chapters 12–13, Wee Nooke

Chapter 13

  1. Bertie asks Graham to take the cat back; Graham refuses, citing Angelica and his bet on Potato Chip, until Bertie haggles him up to thirty-five pounds.Continued from chapter 12
  2. Aunt Dahlia telephones, blasts Bertie for sending the cat back, calms down when told about Major Plank, and hears of his engagement to Vanessa Cook.Chapter 13, Wee Nooke
  3. Bertie, glum over his aunt's ruined plan, tells Jeeves about the telephone call over cocktails and confesses he is engaged.Chapters 13–14, Wee Nooke

Chapter 14

  1. Bertie, glum over his aunt's ruined plan, tells Jeeves about the telephone call over cocktails and confesses he is engaged.Continued from chapter 13
  2. Graham reports that the cat he returned to Eggesford Court followed him back, and Bertie, seeing he could betray Aunt Dahlia to Cook, pays him another ten pounds to take it again; then Vanessa Cook walks in.Chapters 14–15, Maiden Eggesford

Chapter 15

  1. Graham reports that the cat he returned to Eggesford Court followed him back, and Bertie, seeing he could betray Aunt Dahlia to Cook, pays him another ten pounds to take it again; then Vanessa Cook walks in.Continued from chapter 14
  2. Pop Cook, told by the recovered Major Plank that Bertie is the crook Alpine Joe, finds Vanessa's inscribed book and goes for Bertie with his hunting crop, until he trips over the grandfather clock and Bertie crowns him with a painting and wraps him in the tablecloth before leaving for the Goose and Grasshopper.Chapter 15, the sitting-room

Chapter 16

  1. Bertie tells Orlo Porter he will give Vanessa up to him and advises him to tackle Cook for his money after dinner, and the two part bosom pals.Chapter 16, the Goose and Grasshopper
  2. Aunt Dahlia telephones in a panic: having tipped the vicar off about the cat, she has had Jimmy Briscoe threaten to scratch Simla unless it is returned, and Bertie assures her Billy Graham is taking it back.Chapter 16, Wee Nooke
  3. Billy Graham turns up, says he found Cook wrapped in a tablecloth with a picture round his neck, and refuses to go near Eggesford Court with the cat.Chapter 16, Wee Nooke
  4. Aunt Dahlia rings again and, threatening to bar him from Anatole's cooking, bullies Bertie into returning the cat to Eggesford Court himself.Chapter 16, Wee Nooke

Chapter 17

  1. Bertie recalls Jeeves telling him, before he defied Aunt Agatha over Thos, that cold feet before an ordeal are quite normal.Chapter 17
  2. Creeping up to Cook's stables with the cat, Bertie falls in foul mud and loses the cat, and the barking of a friendly dog gets him caught by two stable men who take him for a horse-nobbler.Chapter 17, the stables
  3. Cook's butler refuses to disturb his master for a tramp who smells of drains and tells the men to shut Bertie in a stable.Chapter 17, Eggesford Court
  4. Locked in a dark, rat-haunted stable, Bertie finds his captors forgot to turn the key and walks out.Chapter 17, the stables
  5. Bertie stumbles into Cook's swimming-pool and enjoys the rinse, then rescues Orlo Porter, who has fallen in fleeing the dog after Cook refused to give him his money.Chapter 17, the swimming-pool
  6. Bertie drives home rejoicing at being rid of the cat, only to find it waiting for him at the door of Wee Nooke.Chapter 17, Wee Nooke

Chapter 18

  1. Bertie sleeps fitfully, seeing that with Billy Graham, Jeeves and Aunt Dahlia all out of it, he alone must return the cat to Eggesford Court or lose Anatole's cooking.Chapter 18, Wee Nooke
  2. Breakfasting at the Goose and Grasshopper, Bertie learns from Orlo that he and Vanessa were reconciled in the pool last night and are eloping this morning in Cook's Bentley.Chapter 18, the dining-room
  3. Orlo leaves Bertie a letter for Cook announcing the elopement; Bertie decides to post it, but Cook bursts in with Major Plank.Chapters 18–19, Wee Nooke

Chapter 19

  1. Orlo leaves Bertie a letter for Cook announcing the elopement; Bertie decides to post it, but Cook bursts in with Major Plank.Continued from chapter 18
  2. Jeeves unties Bertie, freezes off Plank by denying he is Inspector Witherspoon, and reveals the cat is his aunt's, so Bertie sets off to put terms to Cook.Chapter 19, Wee Nooke

Chapter 20

  1. In New York, Bertie learns from Uncle Tom's letter and a clipping that Simla was awarded the race after Cook's cat ran on to the course, and tells Jeeves that aunts are not gentlemen.Chapter 20, New York