The Illustrations

ABE RIESBITTER.

GUSSIE WOULD CLEAR HIS THROAT AND BEGIN: ' THERE'S A GREAT BIG CHOO-CHOO WAITING AT THE DEEPO.

THE GIRL NEXT ME GOT UP IN HER SEAT, CHUCKED HER HEAD BACK. AND BEGAN TO SING.

DEAR OLD JOE! FANCY MEETING YOU AGAIN!

IT WAS NOT AN EASY CABLE TO WORD, BUT I MANAGED IT.

JEEVES.

THE VERY FIRST WORDS I SPOKE WERE, ' CORKY, HOW ABOUT YOUR UNCLE?

I WANT YOU TO MEET MY HUSBAND, MR. WOOSTER., MR. WOOSTER IS A FRIEND OF BRUCE'S, ALEXANDER.

THERE WAS CORKY, HUNCHED UP AT THE EASEL, PAINTING AWAY, WHILE ON THE MODEL THRONE SAT A SEVERE-LOOKING FEMALE HOLDING A BABY.

AND THEN RE GOT II-SUDDENLY, WHEN HE WASN'T SET FOR THE PUNCH; AND HE ROCKED BACK ON HIS HEELS.

HE WAS SITTING WITH HIS MOUTH NUZZLING THE STICK, BLINKING AT THE WALL.

WHAT HO !' I SAID. " WHAT HO!' SAID MOTTY

DECENT MIRTH AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING ARE ALL RIGHT, BUT I DO BAR DANCING ON TABLES.

HE ASSAULTED A CONSTABLE, SIR.

WILMOT, DRESSED IN A STRIPED SUIT, WAS SEATED BESIDE A PILE OF STONES WITH A HAMMER IN HIS HANDS.

I HAD DECIDED-RIGHTLY OR WRONGLY— TO GROW A MOUSTACHE, AND THIS HAD CUT JEEVES TO THE QUICK.

HE HAD THE ASPECT OF ONE WHO HAD BEEN SOAKED WITH WHAT THE NEWS- PAPER CHAPPIES CALL ' SOME BLUNT INSTRU- MENT. • ..

JEEVES, MR. BICKERSIETH IS STILL UP THE POLE. ANY IDEAS?

ALLOW ME TO ASSURE YOU, SIR,' HE SAID, IN A RUMMY KIND OF VOICE, "'THEN THAT'S ALL RIGHT,' SAID THE CHAPPIE, HEARTILY. 'IHAT WAS ALL ' THAT I AM THE DUKE OF CHISWICK. WE WANTED TO KNOW. LET THE THING GO ON.

READ THIS, BERTIE!

HE WAS SITTING AT A TABLE ON THE EDGE OF THE DANCING FLOOR, DOING HIMSELF REMARKABLY WELL.

MISs ROCKMETTELLER

I FOUND ROCKY STANDING BESIDE ME, WITH A SORT OF MIXED EXPRESSION OF WISTFULNESS AND APOPLEXY ON HIS FACE.

STOP!' BARKED THE AUNT, AND HE DROPPED IT.

HE POINTED RIGHT AT WHERE I WAS SITTING, AND SHOUTED ' THIS MEANS YOU !

Right from the first day he came to me, I have looked on Jeeves as a sort of guide, philosopher, and friend.

It's a topping morning, Jeeves. • 'Decidedly, sir.' 'Spring and all that.' • Yes, sir.

I ran into young Bingo Little, looking perfectly foul in a crimson -satin tie decorated with horseshoes.

Mabel," said Bingo, ' this is Bertie Wooster, a pal of mine.

Cheerio!' said young Bingo. *One-thirty to-morrow. Don't be late.

Half a minute later I was shaking hands with the fattest man I have ever seen in my life.

It was the lunch of a life- time, but I might have been eating sawdust for all the good it did me.

Jeeves shied like a startled mustang. "I beg your pardon, sir," he said. "You are surely not proposing to appear in public in that thing ?

Before I knew what was happening, the girl had darted at me, kissed me, and legged it from the room.

I pulled the pearls out of the drawer and held them up. "I say, don't want to interrupt you and all that sort of thing, but aren't these the little chaps?

It was a wrench, but I did it. I unstripped the cummerbund and handed it over.

There was no mistaking it. The love-light was in the blighter's eyes.

Jeeves,' I said, 'I'm in a bit of a difficulty,

There was scream in the offing, and a • Help!' I shouted. I say! Help! • splash.

Oh, Bertie, you are funny!

PRESENTLY A POLICEMAN APPEARED, LEADING IN CYRIL.

THE CHILD REMAINED THERE, DRINKING CYRIL IN FOR ABOUT HALF A MINUTE; THEN HE GAVE HIS VERDICT: 'FISH-FACE !

YOU'RE FIRED!' BELLOWED OLD BLUMENFIELD, SWELLING A GOOD BIT MORE. 'GET OUT OF MY THEATRE!

I saw that the bearded chappie as pointing at us see two typical members of the class which has down-trodden the poor for centuries.

I had forgotten to warn Jeeves about the beard, and it came on him absolutely out of a blue sky.

A. 041113 I was appalled at the way the sons and daughter of the Revolution shoved their heads down and went for the foodstuffs.

A .w.M; The policeman was shoving his way back through the crowd, with Bingo in his right hand and Comrade Butt in his left.

Tell me, Bertie, is Mr. Little at all weak in the head? I don't mean simply because he's a friend of yours.

What the devil are you talking about ? "* "I'm reading you my poem. The one I wrote to Cynthia last night.

Long?" I said. " Why, my goodness! You don't call that Brotherly Love sermon of yours long, do you?

So you had inside informa- tion, dash it?" said young Bingo.

The PURITY OF THE TURF P.G.WODEHOUSE AWAREAS MILES

Let's suppose that you and Jeeves entered. Jeeves would stand at a fixed point holding a potato. You would have your head in a sack, and would grope about trying to find Jeeves and making a noise like a cat.

Something round and blue and buttony shot through the back-door and buzzed for the archway like a mustang.

Sarah Mills came past and home on a tight rein by several lengths, a popular winner.

The brother was forming a bond. She and Bingo used to take him for walks together. awer

Good Lord, Jeeves!" I said. "What on earth's that?" "Mr. Little sent it to me, sir, and desired me to bring it to your notice.

The Tough Eggs had begun to pick up all the oranges that hadn't burst and were shooting them back, so that the audience got it both coming and going.

Jeeves gave one frosty look at the spats and biffed off.

Claude hearly had a relapse when he saw his bally brother goggling at him over the bed-rail.

Jeeves came in with the tea, but the poor girl was so worked up that she didn't wait for him to pop off before going on with her complaint

I looked up, and found that his attention was elsewhere.

There was the dickens of a painful scene. The old boy nearly got apoplexy. Called her an impostor. They both started talking at the top of their voices.

It wasn't one of the cheeriest moments of my career when I found myself peering into the globular face of Lord Bittlesham.

I swallowed the stuff, and for a moment I felt as if somebody had touched off a bomb inside the old bean.

What are you doing here?" " I'm tidying your room. It's my last Saturday's act of kindness.

I fancy, sir, that this must be the key you require." It was Jeeves. I could have massacred the man.

Florence gave me a look that went right through me like a knife.

No, Jeeves, " I said, raising my hand. argument is useless.

I fear, sir," sighed Jeeves, "that when it comes to a matter of cooks ladies have but a rudimentary sense of morality.

I caught the table squarely with my right hip and knocked it endways. It seemed to me for a moment as if the whole world had dissolved into a kind of cataract of glass and china.

The next moment I was in a laurel bush, feeling like the cross which marks the spot where the accident occurred.

Aunt Dablia was drinking something that smelled like a leak in the gas-pipe.

Well, you are a sportsman!" observed the young person, with great enthusiasm.

We are all waiting for you in the large schoolroom." "But I don't know a bit what to talk about." "Why, anything, Mr. Wooster. Be bright—bright and amusing.

You will endeavour, while you are here, not to display yourself in the rôle of a vapid and frivolous wastrel.

Bertie, said Bingo, "how is Jeeves's brain these days?" "Fairly strong on the wing, I fancy. How is the grey matter, Jeeves?

Before I knew what I was doing I had begun the climb for life.

I pointed out," said Jeeves, "that you were a light-hearted young gentleman who might well do such a thing as a practical joke.

Don't keep on saying ' Hullo?'" yipped the old relative in her customary curt manner.

Roberta welcomed me with a warmth which, I'm bound to say, had set the old heart-strings futtering a bit.

This fiend in human shape left me hanging in the void with no means of getting, ashore to my home and loved ones.

Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous." I eyed the blighter squarely. " Jeeves," " I said, "you're talking rot.

Roberta Wickham was suggesting the ripest, fruitiest, brainiest scheme for bringing young Tuppy's grey hairs in sorrow to the grave.

I turned the handle, found the door wasn't locked, and went in.

THE NEXT MOMENT THE DOOR HAD OPENED, LIGHT WAS STREAMING THROUGH IT, AND THE BLOKE WITH THE VOICE HAD GRABBED ME BY THE ARM.

He had lifted the sheets and was gazing at the corpse of the hot-water bottle. "Did you do this?" he said in a low, strangled sort of voice.

Jeeves was standing beside me with a cup of tea on a tray. " Merry Christmas, sir !

It appears that young Mr. Glossop received the suggestion from the young lady. " From Miss Wickham?" " Yes, sir.

SLIPPING A COUPLE OF TOWELS ABOUT THE LIMBS AND TORSO, I MADE FOR THE SITTING-ROOM, AND FOUND YOUNG TUPPY AT THE PIANO.

When I had done half the trip I found Tuppy had looped the last rope back, leaving me no alternative but to drop into the depths.

Bertie," said Aunt Dahlia, firmly, " you will sing 'Sonny Boy' on Tuesday, the third prox., or may an aunt's curse-

The moment I saw that banana splash on Tuppy's shirt-front I realized how infinitely more effective and artistic it was than any potato could have been.

I observed Miss Bellinger strike Mr. Glossop in the eye.

IN SHIMMERED JEEVES, COMPLETE WITH TEA-TRAY AND PRECEDED BY DOG. WHICH LEAPED UPON THE BED

The kid had recognized me. "Where are you off to?" he said.

Ha, ha!" I said, and legged it for the great open spaces.

I don't know what the record is for popping out and buying aniseed, but I should think I hold it.

There was a sound like a mighty, rushing wind and something extraordinarily substantial bounded into the sitting-room.

Jeeves was in the sitting-room looking at the portrait.

He waved the cigarette at me in what I considered a dashed patronizing manner.

He sprang forward, trod on the golf-ball, and took one of the finest tasses I have ever witnessed.

I was glancing idly this way and that, when suddenly my eye was caught by something that looked familiar.

In mourning?" she asked, eyeing the trouserings. "Rather natty, aren't they?" I said, following her gaze.

With the aid of a fork and two peas I explained to her how my opponent that afternoon had stymied me on the tenth.

I returned to Jeeves, who was showing the kid Clementina how to make a rabbit with a pocket-handkerchief.

A SUDDEN BRIGHT LIGHT SHONE UPON ME FROM BELOW AND A VOICE SPOKE. "HOI" IT SAID. IT WAS A POLICEMAN

There, standing behind a desk, with the steel-rimmed spectacles glittering as nastily as on the day when I had seen them across Aunt Agatha's luncheon- table, was the boss in person. cRong, i

Well, young Thos.," I said. "So there you are. You're getting as fat as a pig.

So there you have it, Jeeves," I said. "The problem is one that will exercise your intelligence to the utmost.

HIS WHOLE APPEARANCE SEEMED TO CALL ALOUD TO ANY RIGHT-MINDED BOY TO LURE HIM INTO A QUIET SPOT AND INFLICT VIOLENCE UPON HIM.

I was chatting with old Mr. Anstruther when suddenly the two kids hove in view.

Thos. moved adroitly to one side, and, poising the bucket for an instant, discharged its contents.

I have never seen the sunshine fade out of anybody's face as quickly as it did out of Bingo's. He uttered a sharp, wailing cry.

THE PYKE TURNED ON ME LIKE A WOUNDED LEOPARDESS. "WELL." SHE SAID. "AREN'T YOU PROPOSING TO DO ANYTHING. MR. WOOSTER

What I want," I said, "is petrol." "What you'll get," said the bloke, "is a thick ear.

I had never listened in on a real, genuine Iemale row before, and I'm bound to say it was pretty impressive.

Jeeves," I said, and I did not trouble to conceal my chagrin, you need not pack the Luminous Rabbit nor the Giant Squirt.

My friend, Bertie Wooster," said Tuppy to the girl, in what seemed to me rather an apologetic manner. You know—as if he would have preferred to hush me up.

TUPPY WAS JUST STANDING THERE, LOOKING MODEST, WHEN THERE WAS A THUNDER OF LARGE FEET AND THE RED-HAIRED BIRD, GALLOPING UP, SEIZED HIM BY THE NECK, HURLED HIM TO EARTH, AND FELL ON HIM.

I handed the telegram over, watching him narrowly. And suddenly, as he read, I saw him wobble. Stirred to the core. Obviously.